Middle-Aged Mean Girls: Confusing Vulnerability with Weakness & Strength with Disrespectful & Self-Righteous Behavior
What is going on when a women who is far beyond her teenage years, is still using mean girl tactics? Middle-aged mean girls are common these days: learn their tactics & strong women tactics.
Insecurity Disguised as Confidence and Strength
What is going on when a women who is far beyond her teenage years, is still using mean girl tactics?
Middle-aged mean girls is a common theme that I have found coming up in my own life and the lives of many women around me. Old friends, new friends, acquaintances, online friends, or family members - anyone can turn toxic and turn against you, using mean girl tactics, if they don’t know how to properly communicate their anger toward you or their insecurity about themselves.
When a friend or family member seemingly “out of the blue” turns against you, it’s a jarring experience. But is it really suddenly?
After we think about it for awhile, we realize it wasn’t out of the blue at all. Something happened. Even if just in their head. It could be jealousy, their own unhappiness in certain areas of their life, a controlling attitude, a high-horse of self-righteousness attitude, resentfulness, anger toward you about something you did or did not do that they haven’t communicated with you…
You realize that they have been using covert or overt aggressive tactics on you for awhile but you overlooked or dismissed the tactics. You may have rationalized their behavior as “they’re just going through a hard time right now” or you may simply have missed the tactics because they were so covert in nature.
If you aren’t a person who uses middle-aged mean girl tactics on others then it may surprise you that someone would do that to you instead of communicating with you about how they feel.
Strong, confident woman are secure enough in themselves to be vulnerable with other women about how they feel. If their friend or family member hurts them, they tell them so they could work through the problems and resolve the hurt. However, not everyone is mature enough to admit fault or to resolve conflict and not everyone has the same goals in relationships.
Connection is the goal of strong, confident women in relationships. Feeling superior, in charge, or in control of the relationship is the goal of weaker and disrespectful women.
Weak women believe they “deserve” to treat you poorly because of how they feel about you. Unfortunately, weak women act like they are better than you because they believe they are. They do not understand that we all have equal value and worth and live in the delusion that they are superior, making them feel justified in their toxicity.
Since they do not know how to communicate or resolve their frustration, envy, anger, or resentfulness toward you - maybe for something you did or said - or maybe for something you didn’t - they turn to the only tactics they do know how to use: middle-aged mean girl tactics.
Common Middle-Aged Mean Girl Tactics:
Covert Aggressive Tactics:
Gossip and slander which is triangulation - pitting others against you as the bad, immature, “less than” or mean person. Their hope is that they can make their target look bad or immature, setting themselves up in the eyes of others to look like the long-suffering friend or family member or the mature person, while making their target look immature. Their public image is very important to them, which is why they are covert about their aggression, so they may may try to make their target look bad under the guise of being concerned about them or others.
They may share information their target told them in confidence. If they want to embarrass, upset, hurt their target, or make them look bad to others - they may strategically “let slip” information about their target that they know they wouldn’t want everyone to know. They may make up stories, twist the truth, and leave out important details. All ways to try to make their target look bad while they look concerned or innocent.
Stonewalling: They stop talking to their target or answering phone calls, messages, etc - but do not communicate the “why” behind it to their target - leaving them confused and feeling rejected.
Two kinds of stonewallers exists:
For one kind, the confusion and rejection is the point. It gives the stonewaller a sense of control and power over their target. They know their target will wonder what happened and they know they are not telling them because they get a rush off the feelings of hurt and confusion they know their target will experience.
The second kind, is a person who doesn’t know how to communicate their feelings of what they don’t want or what they do want but expects others just to “know”. That’s immature and not logical or rational, but the person who does this genuinely believes others should “pick up” on what they think or feel and if they don’t then they believe there’s something wrong with the other person.
The caveat to this is that sometimes the person who is actually the aggressor pretends to others that they do not know why their friend or family member is stonewalling them - even though they are very aware of how disrespectful and unkind they were to that person. Immature people believe they should get to act as nasty as they want to others and others should get over it and pretend it didn’t happen once they aren’t angry anymore. Which is not how relationships work. The target may forgive but still choose not to interact or not to interact very often with the toxic person. That’s not stonewalling - that’s setting healthy boundaries.
“Accidentally” forgetting: Forgetting plans or forgetting to invite their target, excluding their target in plans or events they used to be involved in or they knew they wanted to be involved in, changing plans without telling them, pretending something that was important to their target didn’t work out; “forgetting” to tell their target important information
Overt Aggressive Tactics:
Belittling their target or dismissing the importance of the person or their thoughts and ideas: Eye rolling, sighing while the person is talking to let them know their story or idea is boring or “less than”, interrupting, talking over, laughing at the person or calling them silly when they know their target is being serious about something that is important to them. Speaking to the person directly or about the person in front of others as if the person isn’t a person to be taken seriously - “well, coming from you, we have to take that with a grain of salt”.
Spiteful or acting or speaking in a mean or nasty way in order to hurt their target. Anything that is disrespectful or unkind falls into this category and is the biggest tell that someone is resentful or envious of their target. Mature people communicate directly, one on one, with the person with whom they are upset. Immature people act spiteful and nasty to the person and in front of others in an attempt to get others to also look down on their target. Other immature people may follow and treat that person poorly too - if they do this, they are making that person a scapegoat for all their insecurities as well. Mature and strong women will think less of the spiteful person instead of joining in their toxicity and will stay away from this kind of person. Mature women work on themselves when they feel envious - it’s a sign they want to have certain qualities, characteristics, or traits of that person - not a sign to tear the person down.
Condescending: A person like this tries to tear others down to feel superior. Self-righteousness and patronizing attitudes and tones are some tactics of the middle-aged mean girl. They usually do truly think they are “above” the person they are talking down to. In their minds, this makes them look good to make others look bad or “beneath” them. Someone can only be self-righteous if they are not self-aware. They do not understand that everyone has equal worth and value and every person has different gifts and weaknesses- so there isn’t “better” than.
Everyone is better at some things than others and everyone has different character qualities that are admirable. Immature people are disrespectful to others because they have a warped sense of reality in this matter.
Pretend laughing: This is an odd one - but I’ve seen plenty of middle-aged mean girls use it. They laugh at their target while they are trying to speak or tell a story and may call them “silly” or “crazy” when they know the person is being serious in an attempt to make the person feel like their stories or ideas don’t matter and no one is going to take them seriously. They believe this puts them in the superior position as the “serious” and important person and the other person is not to be taken seriously and is not as important. It’s a specific way of belittling in a covert manner. How can I be being mean? I was just laughing! It’s cowardly but they think it’s sly.
Attempts to “take down” their target": If this is a work situation, the person may use all of the above tactics but also try to get allies and others against their target in higher up positions to make themselves appear as the better option.
In a family situation, the aggressor wants control and power and may do everything possible to make their target look bad or feel bad so they have a “lower” place in the family and others look to the aggressor as the one in charge.
In a friendship, the aggressor may feel inferior in some area(s) and attempt to make themselves feel better by making their “friend” feel bad about themselves or look bad to other friends in a friendship circle and they want the other friends to also think badly of their target.
Some of these tactics are more covert than others. Sometimes, the target actually has no idea that they have become a target of a friend, co-worker, or family member and only starts to “suspect” they are a target of someone when other friends, co-workers, family members, or even acquaintances start distancing themselves from the target or treating them differently, maybe even with contempt.
People aren’t very good at hiding how they feel about someone and if someone has made you out to be a bad person or immature person then people you don’t even know may treat you poorly without even realizing why they are doing that if they have heard bad things about you.
Many of us women have been on the receiving end of the covert “take down” or “take out” attempts of immature women. Immature women tend to scoff at women who are authentic, spiritual (not self-righteous), kind, respectful, genuine, and internally strong and confident.
The immature woman is secretly envious and wants to have those qualities but on some level, even subconsciously, she knows she does not and resorts to bullying tactics in hopes of feeling better about herself and feeling strong.
Except weak women bully and strong women love. The most powerful force is love. Emotional abuse is a weak vibration. Their tactics will always fail to meet their goals and loving women will always eclipse envious women eventually.
Self-doubt is experienced by all women but in confident women, it’s short-lived. Confident women turn back to their foundation that keeps them secure and strong and have no need to try to act superior to others or take them down.
Personally, I turn back to Jesus in confidence of who I am after bouts of self-doubt. I am righteous - meaning in right-standing with God through Jesus, am an heir to the kingdom of God - a co-heir with Christ, am deeply loved and cherished, and am made on purpose with a purpose - and so are you. God has no favorites.
It’s important to remember who we in this world because even people we love can try to hurt our self-confidence when they are feeling low and struggling with their own value and worth. We are all important to God and no person is superior or inferior to anyone else. Only delusional people believe that they are superior to others.
Middle-aged mean girls, at their core, are insecure but mask their insecurity with fake confidence and fake strength that are actually mean girl tactics.
Since they don’t know how to resolve conflict in healthy ways, they turn to the only ways they know how: Every 2 year-old knows how to tantrum, every teenager knows how to be nasty and tear others down. No one has to learn these tactics but we do have to learn emotionally healthy skills.
Women who tantrum or are relationally aggressive towards others, haven’t learned the skills to communicate their feelings and thoughts or learned how to do deal with their own feelings of insecurity and unhappiness - so they take their bad feelings and bad moods out on others.
Immature women believe that turning their anger onto you makes them look strong because it makes them feel good to take out their anger on someone. In their immaturity, they may believe if they do it passive-aggressively or aggressively, it will make you look bad or weak instead of them.
They truly believe that if they can make others look bad, then they look good.
Do the Middle-Aged Mean Girls Know What They’re Doing? Yes and No.
They do know they are being mean but they believe their meanness is justified. They are not self-aware that they look petty doing these tactics and are very unlikely to admit fault even if it’s pointed out.
Some women may become aware of their immature behaviors and realize this is not how strong and confident women act - and then may work to change themselves, but many would rather hide behind their facade of importance because they do not want to put in the hard work of changing their core beliefs and how they interact with others.
They would have to do hard inner healing work to get to the root of why they feel insecure, resentful, or envious of other women. It’s much easier for them to try to tear down others and attack them than it is to admit that how they treat others is a reflection about how they feel about themselves.
However, some truly delusional women believe these tactics are how confident and strong women act and would scoff at this article. They see vulnerability, self-awareness, and insight as weakness and feel threatened by those who call out bad behavior.
Tactics of the Strong and Confident Women
They uplift and encourage other women. Yes, they see their flaws and weaknesses and know that everyone is flawed and weak in some ways - including themselves. But they are okay with the flawed weak parts of themselves, knowing that it’s human to be that way. Perfection cannot be achieved and that’s okay.
Grace, mercy, and forgiveness are given to others because they give that to themselves. However, they also have clear boundaries for how they want to be treated. We cannot “make” people treat us well. How they act has to do with their heart and we are not in charge of their heart. We can only decide what kind of behavior we will tolerate from others.
For me, I tend to err on the side of grace and mercy - a little too long probably - but then after I see that a friend or former friend or family member or acquaintance has turned to middle-aged mean girl tactics - I back away.
Depending on the nature of the relationship, if it’s close relationship, I try to talk with the person about their behavior, but if it’s not a close relationship or hasn’t been close for quite awhile - than I just let distance be the answer.
I have realized that if a friend begins treating me with disrespect, they are either wanting out the friendship or are upset about something in the friendship - even if they don’t want to say so.
If they are open to discussing why they have been acting disrespectfully, then the friendship may be mended. However, if they pretend nothing is wrong or don’t want to talk or the problem really is that they cannot control how I think, feel, or behave - then distance solves the problem for both of us. I certainly am not going to be controlled by anyone. No one has to be in our lives if they don’t want to. It hurts if the relationship was important - but we cannot control what others choose.
They support other women. They celebrate their wins and console their losses. We all win and we all lose. Sometimes we’re in a winning season, sometimes a losing season - but strong women see “losing” as learning, not failing, not as something wrong with them, not something to be judged or feared. Just a part of life. Everyone goes through ups and downs in life.
The problem with the middle-aged mean girl is that they are too envious to really celebrate others wins in their heart and are not vulnerable enough to console others in their losses. They often see others losses as a burden to them. They may also celebrate the losses of women they are envious of - or simply be apathetic to their struggle.
Immature people tend to drop out of the lives of those who “have problems”. They want fun. If you’re struggling, you can’t be fun. See them when you’re fun again.
Strong women do not drop their friends in crisis or illness or pain. They know that vulnerability is a strength and can come alongside others in their pain.
And we have to ask ourselves, “If this person cannot handle my flaws, cannot handle my imperfections, my limits, my inability to meet their needs in my time of illness/weakness/grief, then is this a strong connection after all?”
Many people want to be friends with people in their winning seasons but not necessarily in their losing seasons.
They call out meanness, toxicity, and weakness disguised as “being strong” and stay away from middle-aged mean girls as much as possible. We all become like the people we are closest to. If we hang around weak people that tear others down, we begin to be like them - and despise people who are genuine, kind, and respectful of others and who lift up and support others. Weak women despise vulnerability, considering it weakness.
Vulnerability is the biggest sign of true confidence and strength. That’s the kicker. Being vulnerable means being able to say “My life is not going how I hoped and I’m sad about that” to friends instead of tearing others down when sad. Vulnerability does not pretend to be okay but is honest about how you’re doing and what you’re feeling.
If someone hurts you, it’s reaching out to them to let them know they hurt you. If you don’t give them an opportunity to apologize or explain, then how will the relationship mend?
If someone isn’t giving you an opportunity to explain yourself or apologize for a wrong-doing or a perceived wrong, does that person want reconciliation or revenge? Someone who wants revenge is not your friend. They want control and power not connection.
Vulnerability is apologizing when you feel you’re in the wrong for certain behaviors or attitudes. Vulnerable people are strong people who are able to be honest about their flaws, insecurities, weaknesses, and struggles.
Immature women think that vulnerability is a sign of weakness and that pretending to be fine and good with everything is a sign of strength. Typically that’s a sign of people-pleasing or not being confident enough to be honest in a relationship.
*Caveat: Vulnerability is usually saved for those we are in close relationship with - otherwise, it may be considered over-sharing and used against us by immature people. Not everyone wants to know our true selves and that’s okay. We all only really need a few close friends who are confident and secure enough to share their true selves with us.
We also cannot beat ourselves up for being vulnerable with the wrong women. Sometimes they can seem trustworthy and strong but then turn on us and prove to be a middle-aged mean girl instead. We can’t fault ourselves for wanting connection.
Empathy: Strong and confident women are empathetic to the struggles of other people and realize that all people are struggling in this world. No one has their life together. No one. No matter what it looks like or sounds like or seems like - no matter how great the pictures look…literally NO ONE has their life together perfectly. You know why? Because even if we could somehow become perfect ourselves (which we cannot), we constantly have to deal with imperfect people around us: a spouse who is having a hard time, kids who are having a hard time, family members who are having a hard time, friends who are having a hard time…and everyone else’s hard time will make our lives imperfect.
So, yes, literally, everyone is fighting a hard battle. Strong women are empathetic to the battles of others. Middle aged-mean girls instigate new battles.
If you see yourself in any of the mean girl tactics, that means that you are self-aware enough to change! Which is a good thing. No need to beat yourself up. You can stop the tactics and apologize to those you need to and go to therapy or get help in ways that work for you to become a strong and confident woman. And probably many of us women have been guilty of some of these tactics at one time or another. None of us are perfect but all are able to change.
If you’re on the receiving end of middle-aged mean girl tactics - we’ve all been there or are currently there. I feel for you, it’s rough. You care about that person and would like to be friends and have a good connection but they are showing you they don’t want that. There’s nothing wrong with you. The fault is with them and only they can work on their heart.
There will never be end to immature people who want to take out their disappointments in life on others rather than do the hard work of healing.
Pity for them is the appropriate response. Too bad that in a world where they could choose kindness, respect, loving actions and words and attitudes, encourage and lift up other women, they choose to act like immature, regressed teenage mean girls. What a shame.
“I hope you heal”. That’s all we say and pray for their healing. Forgiveness releases us from the connection to them and pain we feel from their hard-hardheartedness toward us.
It takes time to heal from any relationship that was important to us and is now gone or has changed. And it takes time to heal from being targeted by immature people. Healing is a process.
In the resources below, I include counseling and coaching resources for anyone in need and a book on boundaries if you have a hard time standing up for yourself or distancing yourself from disrespectful people. Not all of us grew up with healthy boundaries or knowing how to set them. Learning the skills to have respectful relationships is time worth taking.
Also, if you are currently the target or have been the target of a middle-aged mean girl you thought was a friend or ally, remember there are always people out there who will get you, respect you, want connection with you, and will treat you with the kindness you deserve. The hurt feelings will heal and you will find new friends who align with the person you want to be.
Joining new groups, maybe at church or a hobby you enjoy, going to classes at the gym, volunteering, joining a book club, etc - can all be good and fun ways to meet new people that might end up aligning more with who you are today.
None of us are perfect - but every one of us can be kind and respectful to others and apologize and change if we’re not.
Counseling and Resources
My Counselor online - virtual Christian counseling
BetterHelp - virtual counseling
Hailey Magee - virtual coaching for those wanting to overcome the effects narcissism, people-pleasing, learn to set boundaries, and advocate for self
Dr. Les Carter - online courses to heal from narcissism and more information and resources.
Leslie Vernick - virtual coaching, resources, and online community for Christian women who are in or have been in narcissistic or toxic marriages or relationships (they do not judge for those staying or for those leaving - leaving a narcissist is often necessary for mental/emotional, physical, and spiritual health and healing).
Freedom Fighters - virtual prayer group - Holy Spirit led healing and deliverance for those who believe in Jesus. This is very powerful and effective for many people.
Dr. Henry Cloud - Boundaries book and website