Narcissists Will Destroy Your Reputation: The Nice Act, The Dark Reality

Think you know the difference between a kind and an unkind person? Most people do NOT. Skilled narcissists will destroy you while deceiving people into believing they care about you.

How to spot “acting” kind versus “being” kind.

Narcissists and toxic people are nice to people they need something from or who are useful to them - at least at first.

Most people describe covert narcissists as “kind, helpful, humble, caring, empathetic, giving, and generous”; and describe overt narcissists as “confident, charismatic, empathetic, fun, funny, caring, and friendly.”

Why? Because they are. But then they’re not.

IF this person is in your daily life, like a spouse, family member, friend, co-worker, boss, peer, someone who has authority over you or your life in some way, or has the power to destroy you or your reputation- discovering if they are kind “acting” or a kind “being” matters ALOT.

Although we are all toxic sometimes, none of us perfect, there is a HUGE difference in having a bad day or bad moment - and then apologizing for unkind and disrespectful behavior - which we will all do at some point - or “targeting” someone until you ruin their confidence or reputation or both.

This is the kind of behavior that makes a toxic or narcissistic person. Kind people do not target people for destruction but kind “acting” people do.

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Almost always, when someone’s life is in disarray, there is a narcissist(s) lurking somewhere - either in the past or present. So much so, that now when I am listening to the trouble someone is having in their life, I am listening for cues on if the person has a lurking narcissist in their midst.

Toxic people exhibit “tells” if you know what to look for - like in a card game - that they are the lurker. Sometimes, I discover who the likely narcissistic person is in their life - and sometimes I discover that I am talking to the likely narcissistic person.

Both overt and covert narcissists (and many exhibit both tendencies) like for their motives to stay hidden to their targets and others; many are not self-aware enough to understand the why behind what they’re doing, but they know exactly what they are doing. Admitting fault is not likely at all. Admitting they are wrong is not likely.

How toxic people go about life and relationships is so fundamentally different from how healthy thinking people go about them, that they’re able to stay hidden easily because healthy people are not even looking for these kind of people.

Especially if someone grew up in a household with a covert or overt narcissistic caretaker, they do not catch on to the games and the toxicity of other narcissists in adulthood. Games, gossip, and insults seem familiar instead of toxic.

If a person is going outside of a relationship to talk about a person or situation with another person, it’s usually because they’re confused, in distress, and have tried to remedy the problem but the problem seems not to get fixed or have a way be fixed. So, they are looking for insight into what they’re missing and think an outsider may be of help. Or maybe they just need to vent.

People in a relationship with a narcissistic or toxic person, often must go outside of the relationship for help because they are unable to solve conflict with the toxic person. Toxic people like their targets to be in distress so they are not going to do anything to change that for the distressed person.

Toxic or Narcissistic people go outside the relationship to talk about their target for the purpose of hurting that person’s reputation and changing how others see them, but may act like they care about the person and are seeking to help their target. And they always have a target; toxic people project their issues onto others instead of healing which ensures someone will always be their scapegoat.

Toxic people’s goal is to make their target look bad, incompetent, unkind, ungrateful, unfair, untrustworthy, unintelligent or naive, attention-seeking, greedy, and unworthy of respect.

This all comes from unhealed childhood trauma and the toxic, wounded person is acting like a mirror to their target; pretending they have the good parts of the target and the target has their bad parts.

A scapegoat is an energy “supply source” for a toxic person. They get a “hit” of dopamine and feel good energy from hurting their target - it makes them feel powerful. Energy is power. Love is a more powerful energy than evil, but there is power in both.

Narcissists and toxic people lack the power of love due to unhealed trauma and wounds and the way they go about life and relationships.

Three kinds of people work best for their supply source; highly empathetic, high emotional intelligence, and steady-in-love, because these 3 kinds of people have the most loving energy.

Helping, serving, giving, gratitude, and creating for the beauty and betterment of humankind also gives dopamine “hits” of energy - except the more powerful energy of love. But because of their inner turmoil, toxic and narcissistic people do not participate in these activities well.

So, they use the power of hate/evil to hurt, use, and abuse others to feel good.

Dopamine is our feel-good neurotransmitter. Targeting others is like an addiction for them. Which is why when they lose one source, they immediately find another, and then “hoover” which is trying to go back to people who were once good sources of energy for them when they are in between sources.

Loving people fall for this and think the person actually missed them. No. They missed the “hits” that person supplied for them.

You can read this post on the 3 kinds of people narcissists like to target:

Toxic people may go to lots of people around their target, creating a “smear campaign” against their target. This makes the narcissist feel powerful and superior while they are trying to disempower and take down their target.

For them, this is a win-win situation because they get to present themselves as competent and long-suffering while making their target look bad.

People tend to think high-functioning narcissists are mature because they are good at acting mature. They know what to say and how to say it to appear as if they are only talking bad about their target in order to “look out for” the good of their target or to “look out for” the good of the group or their own reputation, so if their target brings to light how the toxic person is acting, the target will look like the toxic one trying to ruin a reputation.

They know how to make themselves look reverent and responsible. Their image is very important to them - but only to people they feel can be beneficial to them.

You can see the problem! Who is the toxic person? Which person has the intent of honesty or the intent of ruining someone’s reputation? How do you decipher the intent of others? And what is actually real versus what they are pretending is real?

You usually can’t know without concrete evidence but with enough time will you be able to pick up the “tells” for the truth to come out in their personality.

Unfortunately, people regularly and vehemently stand up for narcissists and pronounce their trustworthiness and wonders while regularly and vehemently denouncing their target as a liar - because they do not know the tells or understand these kinds of people exist - so they believe the toxic person must “know the truth” about them because why else would they be smearing their reputation?

It’s hard for many people to accept that they cannot tell who someone is based on a few interactions or sometimes years of interactions- and counselors say sometimes it can take 10-15 years for a person to realize their spouse is a covert narcissist. Some coverts are so covert that they get away with hurting others while playing the victim and long-suffering spouse for a long time. So we should not feel “stupid” or beat ourselves up for not understanding game-playing people.

But since many people pride themselves on being a “good judge of character”, they have a hard time letting go of the idea that they can be “had” or misjudge. The truth is none of us are good judges of character. It actually depends on the acting skills of the person, our blind spots, and our own woundedness and insecurities. Some people are better at picking these things up than others - but anyone can be had or misjudge. Blind spots are blind spots.

Hopefully that knowledge will make us a little more compassionate toward people who are truly believing their “hero” is this amazing person or group, when to you, it’s obvious that they’re not. That person has different blind spots than you. They have different wounds, traumas, and insecurities that make them vulnerable to different kinds of people and different kinds of games.

So, also don’t let anyone make you feel dumb, including yourself, for the people you are susceptible to being “had” by or befriending. You are only human and will make mistakes in judging the character of others too. It’s not your fault that you were targeted by a manipulator.

Now that we’re all aware, we can be in more of a defense posture, not paranoid, but keeping an open mind that those around us may not be who they appear and look for the “tells”.

Masks fall off eventually and true personalities will shine through, even if it’s just for a moment. Just don’t talk yourself out of believing what you see in those moments - a mistake many of us make.

Here are some tips to get to the “tells”:

• Look for accountability.

  Does this person have a history of always being the victim? In all of their stories, are they usually talking about how someone did them wrong? If they make a mistake, are they able to take responsibility or is someone else always to blame? If they take responsibility, do they try to get you to see why they couldn’t have NOT made the mistake in the situation?

• How do they treat people who “don’t matter” to them?

  Meaning the person is not useful to them either by propping up their image or useful financially or socially; beneficial by association - they are important or famous or well respected or rich or have a high status title or can get them into certain groups or jobs.

  If they ignore or are rude to people they deem below them or not useful to them, that is a toxic trait.

  Covert narcissists may befriend people they deem below them, or need them, or who are “messed up” because they want to appear a savior, superior to someone, and will project their flaws and insecurities onto the “lesser” as well as higher status people.

  Overt narcissists have no use for “lessers” unless a camera is on them or people are watching so they can appear to be a great person, dealing with this “lowly” person.

  Covert narcissists will be quick to turn on the “lesser” person if that person starts to heal, becomes confident, gets promoted, becomes successful or happy or the person starts to notice this “friendship” only works if they accept unsolicited advice from the toxic person but cannot give advice back.

  Over time, you discover that both covert and overt narcissists do not need YOUR help. They are better than you, they believe.

  Both covert and overt narcissists like to take down higher status people and make them feel inferior, confused, and hurt. This is a game that makes them feel powerful and in control.

• Do they gossip about people?

  Make them look bad or feel bad? Insult? Name-call? Joke but it’s mean? Are they condescending? Tell things about someone that causes others to think less of that person, when it’s uncalled for and unnecessary, even if acting concerned about the person? Toxic people like to take down anyone they are envious of or they deem disloyal. However, they act as if the person “deserves” this treatment. And they genuinely feel the person does. Toxic people have determined that their feelings are all that matter. Other people’s don’t. If they will do this to someone else, they will do this to you.

• Going above and beyond or giving or serving continuously?

  I know, sounds great. Unfortunately, narcissists do this - and expect continuous praise to the point that no one they target can ever be grateful enough for all they do for them - in their mind. Then they become resentful and turn on the person or organization. A person giving out of a healthy attitude is doing it without needing constant validation of their goodness. We all like recognition, but if a lack of recognition causes someone to “turn” and target someone- that is toxic.

• Heap praise on a person about who they are, their talents or accomplishments, and charm the living daylights out of them!

  Again, this sounds great! But this will stop and they will start to complain about the person behind their back - called the lovebombing and the devaluation stages of a narcissistic relationship. Why? Because they first believe the praised person will fulfill them in some way and then when that person can’t or won’t, they will devalue the once praised person. Kind of like a temper tantrum - “I will love you forever if you give me this thing” and then when they can’t or won’t, “I hate you!” It may be overt but it may be covert.

  They may continue acting pleasant to the target’s face while trying to destroy their reputation behind their back. Narcissists delight in destroying the reputation of their target. They believe their target “deserves” it, remember?

• Do they present themselves as self-sacrificial, used, and abused?

  While the “Going above and beyond or giving or serving continuously” is mostly about praise-seeking from those in higher authority or position or power - this one is about those in relationship or friendship with them. This is not a tell many people recognize, but it sounds like:

• “Woe is me” in many different forms.

• “After all I’ve done for them”.

• “I have tried and tried to help/support/counsel/guide/etc and this is the thanks I get.”

  A covert or overt narcissistic person only gives to get. That means they expect their target to prop them up, make them look good, feel good, and to be who they expect them to be and do what they expect them to do. If not, the toxic person feels insulted. Toxic people feel they have the right to control those in relationship with them and are angry if they cannot.

  Even if they start acting nasty to their target, they expect their target to be kind to them because of past indebtedness. See, there was a secret string attached to the gift in this friendship or relationship - but the target was unaware. They thought the gift of helping them - whether financially, emotionally, or physically - was a gift. But it was a bribe. “You be this and do this and act like this” because I did “this” for you. They feel their target is indebted to them and their target is selfish and ungrateful for not acting like the indebted person they are and instead the target is acting in personal freedom. So, they feel their target deserves punishment in the form of destroying their reputation and also self-confidence (which is actually self-compassion) if they can.

  Narcissists typically feel they are self-sacrificial in every relationship or job they hold. They do not usually feel they get enough back. Even though to an outsider it may be obvious they are not self-sacrificial or they were on their own accord, toxic people feel used and abused by their target - even though they are actually using and abusing their target - at least emotionally by attempting to hurt their reputation, if not in other ways too - financially or physically, including getting their target thrown in jail/prison.

• Love-Bombing and Devaluation

  Typically, toxic people are only self-sacrificial, gift-giving, and praise heaping in the love-bombing phase of a relationship AND when they feel they’re losing control over their target. Once they feel their target is under their control again, then they go back to devaluing their target. For them, under control can mean their target is once again acting in the way they want them to act and once again believing the narcissist is a great and wonderful person.

  Devaluing a person is what someone does when destroying a person’s reputation. The reason they might not want their target to know that they’re doing this, is that they still need the target for something. They still need a scapegoat, someone to prop them up, or the target still remains useful in some way. Once they find another source or the target catches on and will not let them continue to use and abuse them, then the toxic person moves on to the next target and starts the love-bombing and devaluation stages all over again.

  If people who know the narcissist but do not know you, act “weird” around you when you meet them - seem to be cold, unfriendly, not interested in getting to know you and not seeming to want to tell you about themselves or hang around you - this is a huge “tell”.

  While it’s normal that some people just don’t vibe well, usually a friend of a friend gives you a “shot” whether in business or personal. If this happens more than once, it’s likely the narcissist is destroying your reputation behind your back. People have a hard time not acting like someone is inferior to them or being dismissive of them when they have been told bad things about that person prior to meeting them - when they hold a good view of the person telling them these things.

  Narcissists will also try to ruin your reputation to those who know you but do not know them as well - IF they think they can get away with it. There will be certain people in your life who they know not to mess with. These are your ride or dies - and they know it.

  For others, they will try to buddy up to your people and then tear you down to them, maybe in “concern” for you or to get the person to question your character. An actual friend will let you know. If your “friend” or peer just believes that person and doesn’t bring the accusations against you to you, then chances are - that “friend” or peer is a hidden lurker in your life and you need to let them go anyway. An envious person will believe bad things about you because they secretly hope you fail- which makes them a covert narcissist or toxic person in your midst.

  Remember, if you have someone in your circle who gossips and smears others, but you are being love-bombed, when you’re no longer useful or beneficial or they become envious or disappointed, you will be next to be devalued and gossiped and smeared.

Who Can Be a Narcissist in Your Life?

Personally, this dynamic can play out in a child-parent, adult-parent , family member, employee-boss, peer, business, friend, mentor, spouse/partner, pastor, priest, cult, or other leader-follower relationship. Globally, this can play out in between governments and their people and between anyone with legal authority or mind-control over someone else.

Some parents secretly want their children to fail and sabotage them with condescending remarks, questioning their decisions and trying to get their child to feel they cannot make good decisions without the parent’s input or cannot accomplish their goals or dreams. This kind of parent is envious of the child’s potential and doesn’t want overshadowed or to feel inferior.

Other parents’ require their children to succeed in ways that make the parents look good- otherwise they are seen and treated as inferior.

Some bosses, peers, or business relationships want you to fail so they can be seen as competent, to take over your position, for revenge, for financial reasons or to make you the scapegoat so they can look good.

Some friends hope for the demise of their friend because they feel insecure and envious.

Some people want anyone in a higher position of power or authority to fail so they can feel good about themselves.

Some marriages or relationships want to see their spouse or partner destroyed or devastated because it makes them feel superior and then like their partner cannot reject or leave them.

None of this makes sense to a healthy thinking person who has healed from childhood trauma or wounds or who did not end up with childhood trauma or wounds.

A continuum of narcissism and toxicity exists - all the way from someone having some toxicity, but working on their self and able to see their self in some of these “tells” - all the way to psychopathic serial killers, murderers, thieves, rapists, abusers and users, con-artists, cult-leaders, kidnappers, and traffickers who believes other people exist to be used and abused.

Psychopathy is rare and most people are not on this end of the spectrum. Narcissism is not rare - and many of these people destroy and hurt targeted people in relationship with them.

No one is responsible for being hurt in childhood or adulthood, but everyone is responsible for healing their traumas and wounds. It’s not fair, it’s just true. Unhealed people are not able to grow into complete emotionally maturity (maybe none of arrive completely, but we’re working toward the goal!) and some become narcissistic also and the cycle continues.

Healing can happen through counseling, prayer, and many other healing strategies. Narcissists can choose healing if they can become aware that they are not always the victim - and can admit that they themselves have been the user or abuser. If they can, they can heal over many years of work with help from a trained counselor.

Unfortunately, many narcissists cannot admit fault and do not seek healing. Therefore, we need to be able to identify who these people are so we can stop the destruction of other people’s reputation and our own.

We will not be able to stop them from trying to destroy and devastate others or ourselves, but we can stop them from being effective by learning about these kind of people and sharing information with others to the best of our abilities.

Some smear campaigns are sophisticated enough to lose people who probably weren’t for us anyway.

If we have self-compassion, then toxic or narcissistic people cannot destroy our confidence. We will have already set boundaries before anyone comes into our life about how we will be treated and how we will treat others.

When we stand up for ourselves, another person, or group of people who are not being treated with respect and kindness, we deter narcissists from wanting to be in our circle. Which is good.

Some people choose to be “enablers” of toxic people and make excuses for their bad behavior or words or simply ignore their toxicity. “That’s just the way they are”. “They can’t help it.” “They had a bad childhood.” “They’re having a hard time.” “I’m sure they didn’t mean it like that.” This is joining with evil and the toxic person will likely never choose to heal if they have good enablers.

Truly confident people are truly compassionate people who are vulnerable, kind, respectful, empathetic, emotionally intelligent, and loving. Pretend confidence is easy to spot when you understand true confidence. Grandiosity and tearing down others is not confidence. Those are signs of narcissism and unhealed woundedness and trauma.

Both in personal relationships and in the greater global community, we need to look for “tells” - and time always “tells”.

If the message someone or group is putting out there is “look how bad this person or group of people is” because they don’t conform and won’t give up personal freedom for control - that is not “looking out for the good” of others - that is reputation bashing and is about narcissistic control.

True confidence and looking out for the good of others, invites differences of opinion, open discussion, transparency, integrity, respect for individuality, and honesty.

Narcissism and toxicity thrive in environments where these things are not present.

Narcissism will seek to destroy the reputation of anyone they find a threat to them, not acting or being who they want - which means they target people who are operating in personal freedom and not under control.

If we can gain awareness that narcissistic and toxic people can be kind, funny, generous, charming, humble, validation and praise-seeking and giving, caring, spiritual/religious, in positions of power or authority (ex. doctors, government officials, CEOs, famous/celebrities/rich, psychologists, psychiatrists, pastors, professors, police officers, journalists, scientists, parents, teachers, etc) as well as in lower positions, we can stop giving our freedom over to other people - and realize NO ONE is high enough or smart enough to be in control of others’ personal freedom and MANY people are not who they seem to be because of their own woundedness and trauma.

If we seek to be praised and validated instead of free, we give up personal agency and will be vulnerable to narcissistic targeting.

Narcissism is currently thriving in the world. People with generational trauma and unhealed wounds are hurting children and adults with little to no real grasp of the reality of good and evil, love and hate. We are letting narcissists take our power because we think their confidence reveals they know what they’re doing - but remember, anyone can act confident.

Truly confident people are kind and respectful to all and respect personal freedom and transparent communication.

Fear drives us all into acting in toxic and narcissistic ways; we want control over others in fear or we give up control to others in fear, giving away personal freedom to fit agendas. We name-call, rage, and insult. We harm. We cause trauma. We war. We devalue and dismiss our shared humanness - and see each other as “the enemy”.

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places”. Ephesians 6:12

We are all up against the same enemies; the Satanic, the demonic, the evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world who use toxic and narcissistic people to do harm to other humans. When we make flesh and blood our enemies, we join them in their fight against humanity.

Unfortunately, we have to wage war in defense of those who do not understand these realities or those choosing to side with evil.

Courage is choosing to become healed and healthy and controlling ourselves instead of other people; we choose to treat others with kindness and respect and choose to stay open to seeing “tells” of those around us personally and globally so we do not become enablers of toxicity or target others ourselves.

Who we let into our inner circle and into our minds (which people or media we listen to, which books we read,etc), will keep us in fear or drive us to courage. When we keep guard of our dignity, our inner peace, and our personhood - our reputation will speak for itself against those who join forces against us in our personal life. Time may be needed to see it -but time will tell.

Counseling and Resources

(Both for those affected by narcissism or for those deciding to overcome narcissistic or toxic traits.)

My Counselor online - virtual Christian counseling

BetterHelp - virtual counseling

Dr. Les Carter - online courses to heal from narcissism and more information and resources.

Leslie Vernick - virtual coaching, resources, and online community for Christian women who are in or have been in narcissistic or toxic marriages or relationships (they do not judge for those staying or for those leaving - leaving a narcissist is often necessary for mental/emotional, physical, and spiritual health and healing).

Freedom Fighters - virtual prayer group - Holy Spirit led healing and deliverance for those who believe in Jesus. This is very powerful and effective for many people.