The Adult Temper Tantrum: Emotional Abuse But Playing the “Mature Card” in Organizations OR Relationships
TOXIC Organization and relationship tactics and antics used during the Adult Temper Tantrum, what their purpose is for acting out in this way, and how you can set Boundaries on their behavior.
Narcissists and toxic people or groups are in their finest form during what I call the “Adult Temper Tantrum”. This really shows their true colors and what they have hidden behind the facade of maturity.
They do love to play the “mature card” where they present themselves to be of higher moral character and ethics than those who disagree with them and treat and talk to people like children who do not share their views or succumb to their will, believing that this charade makes them appear mature instead of petty; however, “playing mature” is a just a part of the Adult Temper Tantrum.
The Adult Temper Tantrum which is EMOTIONAL ABUSE:
Entitlement: The person or group believes they have the “right” to treat you however poorly they choose; to coerce, force, and threaten your compliance, and they feel owed your cooperation and will continue to tantrum until you give into their demands. OR until you set good boundaries on them!
Immaturity disguised as maturity: This is the “mature card” playing game- where they act in all the immature ways described here while projecting and proclaiming that they are of higher moral character and ethics than those who disagree with them.
Self-centeredness: Love requires freedom. Immaturity requires control. Toxic people are not concerned with how their toxic behaviors are impacting you - and are not concerned with acting out of love. They are concerned with controlling you and you being, saying, and acting how they choose. They are most concerned with getting their way. It does not matter if their way is good for you - it’s good for them and that is their only real concern. They are smug and do not have any interest in what troubles you may be dealing with outside of them and they do not care. To them, their concerns are what matters and getting their way is what matters most.
Disingenuous: Toxic people or groups are insincere in their attempt at understanding or knowing you or doing what is best for you. They are insincere in looking at what works for everyone and alternative ideas, opinions, or suggestions. They do not make a good-faith effort to be a responsible, rational, reasonable, loving, kind, or respectful person. But they will pretend that they are. They will not admit to errors or mistakes and IF they do, they will blame it on someone else or act as if there was no way NOT to make the mistake or error. None of their words or actions come from a sincere place.
Nit-picking/Critical: Toxic people and groups “nit pick” at others in an attempt to wear them down into compliance or as a form of punishment. They choose mundane things to be fussy and picky about and then constantly try to annoy their target with their nit-picking of their behavior, words, or ideas. They believe this puts them in the “superior” position over you. They enjoy being contentious about anything you do or say and experience delight when you become frustrated with their immature tactics.
Condescending: This is a part of that “mature card” they are playing where they try to place themselves in a superior role to you and act and speak to you as though you are a child or their inferior. Most of their temper tantrum is an attempt to appear “better” than you. They don’t realize all of this behavior is incredibly immature and is actually an adult temper tantrum because you are not being, acting, or speaking how they want. They lack self-awareness and to them if they are condescending toward you, then you are the immature one instead of them. Of course this is nonsense like all of their behaviors.
Nasty: They are spiteful and enjoy being nasty toward those who will not give them what they what. Toxic people are petty. This is an attempt to try to make you feel bad for not being who they want you to be. They are very much having a temper tantrum.
Bullying: They harass, intimidate, and gang up on you with other toxic people in order to gossip about you or run a smear campaign against you in order to make you look bad and for people to think less of you. Since you won’t be who they choose for you to be, then they feel justified in trying to “take you down”.
Name-calling: They resort to name-calling because as we all learned as children, this is an easy and lazy way to smear someone without having to put a lot of effort or provide ANY proof to back up what they are saying about you. They can name-call and make things up in order for people to think less of you without actually having to prove that you are any of those things. Of course you aren’t. That’s not their concern though. Truth does not matter to toxic people. Only getting their way matters.
Sneaky: While some toxic people may be openly hostile, in front of certain people, they may still want to tantrum but appear as if they are not. Covert narcissists like to be sneaky in their hostility and they communicate their disdain for you by taking jabs, digs, and weaponizing words to make you seem like the problem rather than actually solve any problems. One of their favorite tricks is to try to annoy and frustrate you and treat you poorly during conversations BUT try to “get away” with it. So they use words they know will annoy you but would be hard to “prove” that they are purposely trying to annoy you.
If you say you are NOT offended but disappointed by their disrespect- the toxic person would say that they are sorry you are “offended” - first because that means they get to use a word you just said you did not feel and they know this is annoying behavior to pretend you feel or think things that you have already stated that you do not - and then because offended means that you perceive that you are being wronged, rather than that you are actually being wronged - using this word helps them make YOUR thinking the problem rather than their actions.
An organization or group may say you won’t “comply” because you are “scared” or “selfish” because those point to a problem with you and your character. If they said, “you won’t give into my manipulation and irrational demands and it makes me angry that you feel you should have choices over your body rather than give in to what I want” - then that would make their need for control and power the problem rather than you - and they don’t want that.
Whether it’s a person or group, they try to taunt you with words but make it seem like they are not so it would be hard to point out to others around you. Covert narcissists like to do this because they feel powerful annoying you and “getting away” with it. This is of course a cowardly way to interact with someone but in their immaturity, weaponizing words to frustrate you seems like superiority to them.
Conversations are pointless when someone is acting like this and it’s best to walk away - they are not going to make a good-faith effort to communicate well with you or solve problems. Their goal isn’t to solve problems but to annoy and frustrate and “be on top”.
Covert narcissists also like to be sneaky in their put-down of to other people. They know if they gossip about you that will make them look bad. Their goal is to make you look bad, incompetent, immature, petty, and naive or unintelligent while pretending that they are only talking about you because they are concerned about you.
For instance, if they are angry with you and want to act out against you - they may choose to try to make your co-workers or boss think you are not suitable for your job, so they make comments like “Well, I am sure she/he is doing the best they can - it’s a hard job and takes a high level of intelligence to be good at that. Everyone cannot be expected to be in that category.” See how nicely they said that to make you appear incompetent?
If this is a parent or in-law who wants to “take you down” to the family, they may go after your parenting or character in ways that sound like this:
“Well her son/daughter is having so many problems, poor thing. I am sure she did her best at parenting but it’s a really hard job and not everyone is good at that. Really the child is doing pretty good for the limited amount of parenting they got.”
Attacking your character nicely might sound like:
“I have tried to have a good relationship with her and have been very generous but with her being so easily offended and defensive, it’s almost impossible, though I keep trying. And of course, it’s not her fault, she didn’t have good parenting either.”
Again, so nicely making you the problem while at the same time appearing long-suffering of your behavior and generous and kind. This is why the sneaky works; not many people know the tactics and antics used by covert toxic people and until they are on the receiving end of it, the subtle psychological manipulation is hard to spot.
That’s why I believe so strongly in exposing the tactics; shining a light into the dark behavior patterns weakens their ability to manipulate others.
Pretend and Prove: Many of their behaviors are attempts at “getting back at you” for not doing what they want and “punishing” you for your attempts to live in personal freedom and ultimately to try to disempower you and wear you down into compliance and make you want to avoid their tantrum both now and in the future.
They choose to do this in all the immature, backhanded, and sneaky ways described because they want you to have to “prove” they are actually treating you poorly.
Since they know they are being sneaky, they know it will be hard for you to prove and they enjoy denying your reality to isolate you - this is called gaslighting behavior.
They also want you to “prove” why you should be able to act in personal freedom. Which will not happen because they will not accept logic and reason - only compliance. Adults that act this way are typically not going to change easily or may not change at all. Healthy, mature people are honest and know that you do not need to prove you should have personal freedom. That is a given. This is just one of their ridiculous ways to try to be superior over you - if they can get you trying to prove things and explain, defend, justify, or argue, then to them, that means they are superior because they believe anyone trying to prove anything to them is below them.
That’s why NOT trying to prove anything works best.
“We remember things differently” works to just move on if this is not a relationship.
If you are setting a boundary in a relationship or ending a relationship:
“We both know what happened. I do not need to prove anything nor will I pretend it didn’t happen.” And then leave. This is not courtroom. No need for proof. This conversation is going nowhere.
Immature people are PRETENDERS.
They are not honest but instead like to pretend to be mature, pretend you are immature, pretend they don’t just want power and control but are looking out for your best interests, pretend they are interested in having good-faith conversations and solving problems, pretend they don’t remember things, pretend they didn’t act in ways they did or say things that they said, and pretend they have a right to have Adult Temper Tantrums.
You do not need to PROVE anything to them nor get them to admit anything because they are committed to their PRETEND reality. Going along with their game or conversations are pointless. You will be frustrated and annoyed and they will be happy because you are frustrated and annoyed. Unfortunately, if others do not see their behaviors for what they are and do not understand your explanation, you will have to let that go to live in peace and join up with people who do understand. Support groups and counseling or coaching may be helpful and if it’s an organization or policies that you are trying to change, joining up with people on your side may be helpful and cause real change in the toxic organization.
The Adult Temper Tantrum can be applied to your toxic family member, friend, co-worker, boss, relationship or any government, corporation, industry, church, leader(s), or organization that seeks to have control over you and take away your freedom.
Dr. Les Carter, Surviving Narcissism, states that,
Narcissists are takers:
They take away freedom.
Try to take away your identity.
Take honesty out of a relationship.
Take away your ability to live in personal freedom.
Take away peace.
However, if we do not play their games and instead choose to stay away from them or set boundaries on their behavior, and join up together to fight their policies that attempt to take away freedoms, then they cannot be successful in their games.
The pharmaceutical company and the government worked together in their Adult Temper Tantrum against anyone who would not take their toxic and potentially deadly vaccine - and used all of the above tactics against non-vaxxers, including name-calling, bullying, and running a smear campaign that involved getting even our family and friends to join up against us; they were immature but playing the mature card, condescending, name-calling, nitpicking, and acting entitled all while being sneaky and disingenuous.
Toxic in-laws, parents, spouses, friends, and other family members may also exhibit the above behaviors for the reasons I described when they are having an Adult Temper Tantrum.
This is an incredibly annoying and frustrating situation to navigate if you are a healthy person who wants healthy relationships. Narcissists and toxic people are not interested in healthy, peaceful relationships. They do not mind creating chaos, drama, and tantruming when you will not be who they want you to be and do what they want you to do.
Boundaries are needed and unfortunately, at the extreme end, maybe even cutting someone out of your life might be necessary if they will not respect your boundaries. In many cases, though, appropriate boundaries will solve the relationship problems as long you follow through on the consequences.
Yes, this sounds like you are having to be the adult and talking to a child - but remember, if they are having an Adult Temper Tantrum, they are acting like a child and do need you to put in place boundaries - which means what behaviors and words you will accept from them and what you will not.
If they were capable of acting mature, you wouldn’t be in this position. If someone has Adult Temper Tantrums, then you can know they are not mature enough to set boundaries with themselves and others around them must do that for them instead.
Example:
“If you are going to nit-pick my actions and words and act critical and condescending toward me, I will leave. I will only accept respectful and kind words and behaviors from those who want to have a relationship with me.” Then you have to be prepared to leave the room or the house or the function - whatever is necessary. More information on Boundaries is in my article Part 5: How to Heal from Toxic and Narcissistic Abuse: SET AND ENFORCE GOOD BOUNDARIES, plus a link to a great book on Boundaries is in that article as well. Counseling or coaching may be necessary to learn to set and enforce good boundaries and I will put some resources at the bottom of this page for those who would like that option.
However, even healthy people need to set boundaries with each other. None of us are mind-readers and we must be told if someone can only stay on the phone for 5 minutes or can only meet once per month, or if someone is asking too much of you or intruding into your life unknowingly - people have different boundaries. If we don’t communicate our boundaries with people, then we end up feeling resentful because we did not choose to communicate what we needed or wanted or didn’t want. That’s not fair to anyone in the relationship.
Healthy people are happy to hear others boundaries as they do not want to step on others toes and make the other person unhappy. Healthy people have empathy and care about the well-being of the other person.
However, if this is the government or organizations like the WHO and the WEF that are trying to legalize The WHO pandemic treaty where we are forced to comply - things get trickier. Our good boundaries will get ran right over and forced compliance or jail or locked out of society might occur. I recommend following Meryl Nass on Substack as she is updating us on how to stop this treaty.
A spectrum of toxicity exists all the way from the lesser end of the narcissistic continuum to the malignant, sociopathic, and psychopathic narcissists.
All narcissists are damaging and the impact of their toxicity on your life should be taken seriously. Even though the toxic friend, mother-in-law, parent, or spouse is portrayed as funny or normal in movies, none of their toxic behaviors are funny or normal in real life.
Emotional abuse, which is the Adult Temper Tantrum, physical, financial, or social abuse (gossip and smear campaigns) all can cause chronic mental and physical health problems and appropriate boundaries need to be put in place. Complex PTSD is a common outcome for emotional abuse over an extended period of time, as well as all the other abuses.
Adult Temper Tantrums can be passive-aggressive, gossip/smear campaigns, trying to insert their opinions/ideas/beliefs into what you or your family “should” be doing - but may come out as “asking” - for example “Why would you do that?” in a smug, self-righteous tone (anyone who has had someone like this in their life, knows what I mean!) It seems less toxic on the outside but it still is about trying to control how others operate in their lives and attempting to get them to do things their way which they believe is the “right” way.
Covert narcissistic or toxic people in general try to get you to doubt your own decisions and way of going about life in an attempt to get you to conform to their way of thinking and doing things. They are not happy about independence or someone who is not easily manipulated or controlled.
The “mask” that the covert toxic or narcissistic person wears in public can be that of the giving, serving, generous, helpful person - who is loving and kind. However, those behaviors are used by covert narcissists to get praise and admiration from others about what a great person or great organization they are and how good they are to you.
When in private, the mask comes off and they are critical, condescending, and nasty when they feel resentful that you are not giving them enough admiration or praise or doing things their way.
They perform all the Adult Temper Tantrum behaviors because they do not like others to be their own person and live in personal freedom. They feel entitled to treat you poorly if you will not be or act how they want.
Toxic people and groups expect others to be good enablers of their toxic behaviors. They believe you should support their Adult Temper Tantrum as the correct way to act when they want to get their way but are not.
Unfortunately, many people do become enablers, effectively making them just as guilty as the toxic people. Enablers usually do not want to deal with being on the end of the temper tantrum, so they appease, go along with, and support the toxic person or group. This is NEVER okay.
If we do not have the COURAGE to stand up to the toxic people and narcissists and instead kowtow to the Adult Temper Tantrums, then our world will be run by the narcissistic and immature people - and in many ways, we can see that it is.
None of us were put on this earth to people-please and bow down to bullies. We are not here merely as pawns to give praise and admiration to toxic people because they will be mean and cruel and have an Adult Temper Tantrum if we don’t placate them.
Freedom to choose what we do with our bodies and minds and freedom to be who we choose is necessary to live in love, kindness, peace, and respect for all.
If we let the toxic people and the enablers - who are being controlled and manipulated by the Adult Temper Tantrum - run our world, we will all end up as a puppet and not a person.
A controlled and manipulated person is not able to be an authentic person and must self-abandon to get others approval.
Self-abandoning to placate toxic people can lead to chronic health problems, autoimmune disorders, mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, complex PTSD, and others.
The only loving way to go about relationships and life is to make sure we each seek to be a healed and healthy version of our self and continue in grow in maturity.
Mature people set boundaries, take responsibility for words and actions, admit to errors, speak truth, and are our authentic self with family and friends and others. It’s not our job to pretend we believe and think things in order to please people.
However, if there are topics that are divisive in the family or friendships and there are people there who cannot handle others having different opinions, we may choose not to discuss them - “I feel differently about (politics, religion, health, vaccines, etc) and believe this topic will only lead to hurt feelings and arguments, so I choose to move past this - or I will go into the other room until a topic we all feel comfortable with comes up”.
We don’t have to demand others not talk about things they want to talk about but we can choose not to be a part of the conversation if we know there is narcissist this will fuel into a full-blown Adult Temper Tantrum.
The caveat is that toxic people will “be hurt or offended” by about anything you do or say so they have a reason to create drama and chaos. Boundaries will needed with them.
None of this is comfortable or easy. Relationships are not easy. It takes careful thought and planning to be around people who are toxic and draining to you. Since they are draining, part of boundaries is setting how often and for how long you will be around certain people.
For example, if this is in-laws, you might decide you can be around them for 2 hrs, 2x yearly or whatever compromise you can come up with your spouse so that you can remain in a healthy functioning relationship. Some people may be able to be around in-laws every week or month. Others, may be once every year or even less often. There is a continuum of toxicity.
Family members and friends should add to your life if they are healthy. If they take away enjoyment, health, peace, fun, and drain you, these are toxic people and better boundaries and less time with them may need to be set.
Laws of the land were put into place to make sure the government doesn’t overstep their boundaries and that people can live in peace and the world can function- that was the purpose of the Constitution.
Laws were not supposed to make us all puppets to make corporations profitable and billionaires richer.
We are supposed to have boundaries and laws so we do not violate another person (murder, rape, theft, etc). Laws are not supposed to there so we have to succumb to vaccines or pharmaceutical companies while they profit and we may get damaged.
Some people and organizations have wonderful boundaries for themselves and ADD to others lives by encouraging love, peace, and freedom; some people and organizations have poor boundaries for themselves and take away from other’s lives by having Adult Temper Tantrums.
No one has to agree with you that someone or some organization is toxic to you for you to set boundaries on them. If they drain you, they are toxic to you. If you feel coerced, forced, or bullied, they are toxic and no one has to agree.
We all have the right to set boundaries on our relationships and what we do with our words, time, energy, bodies, and minds.
Healthy people want others to have those freedoms. Toxic people are throwing an Adult Temper Tantrum toward those who choose to have freedom. We must set boundaries on toxic people, governments, and organizations.
My Next Post will cover re-establishing trust in relationships and with organizations after trust has been broken by the emotional abuse of the Adult Temper Tantrum.
Counseling and Resources
Both for those affected by narcissism and needing healing from trauma and dissociation (those not healed are easier prey for narcissists in the future and may become enablers) and for those deciding to overcome narcissistic or toxic traits.
My Counselor online - virtual Christian counseling
BetterHelp - virtual counseling
Hailey Magee - virtual coaching for those wanting to overcome the effects narcissism, people-pleasing, learn to set boundaries, and advocate for self
Dr. Les Carter - online courses to heal from narcissism and more information and resources.
Leslie Vernick - virtual coaching, resources, and online community for Christian women who are in or have been in narcissistic or toxic marriages or relationships (they do not judge for those staying or for those leaving - leaving a narcissist is often necessary for mental/emotional, physical, and spiritual health and healing).
Freedom Fighters - virtual prayer group - Holy Spirit led healing and deliverance for those who believe in Jesus. This is very powerful and effective for many people.
Good, really good!