Mental Prison Break! Free Yourself. Fail and Be OK. Heal. Build that Business. Change your Job, Life, Relationships. Stop Making Choices Based on What Other People Think.
Fear of Failure, Shame, Guilt, Letting Others Down, Rejection, Need to Please People, Imposter Syndrome, Not Good Enough, Criticism, & the Unknown
First, I’ll go over why people try to keep others mentally caged
Then, why we let them
Last, how to break free from your own chains and theirs!
Crabby People
Like crabs in a bucket, if someone breaks free mentally from the need to please people, to do what others expect, and opts out of the social norms of their surroundings but instead decides to live their life in the freedom of being their authentic self, who God created them to be, and go after the dreams and passions He put in their heart, not doing the accepted and expected, the Crabby People pop out of the bucket to grab that person’s audacious little crab legs and pull them back in again!
Smugly satisfied that the person is imprisoned once again, the crabbies inner world is now out of turmoil.
Not all people. Not those who belong in your inner circle people. But the immature people.
People who are afraid to fail, afraid to face shame and insecurities and heal their wounds and trauma from childhood, and who do not work on changing their core beliefs - are the ones who feel better by dimming your light.
Why?
Your light shines on everything they are not but would like to be; courageous, brave, growing in maturity and confidence.
Your light shines on everything they are afraid to look at within themselves. If you stay in darkness, like them, then they don’t have to look at what could be on the other side of fear and shame.
Your light is your freedom but it’s their exposure of a mental prison they are living in and it’s much easier to try to dim your light than to heal their dark.
To be okay when other people are not comfortable with who you are, to be okay trying new things and failing and trying again, is threatening to the imprisoned, crabby people.
The scoffers and mockers and the nasty crabbies, would rather try to take you down with their insults, their disgust, their contempt, and their smallness, than do the hard work of changing and healing themselves.
Because if you can get free, then their excuses for staying caged, fall apart.
Freeing yourself takes so much inner healing and work and deep diving into the wounds caused by others and the wounds you have caused others, that some people choose to stagnate in their growth rather than heal.
Some people may not know how to take that next step but they don’t want to find out either. The only choice then is to stay as they are or regress into greater immaturity and put on a mask of maturity.
That mask sounds like self-righteousness, moral or ethical or intellectual superiority, pretending to be mature and talking to and treating other adults as children that aren’t making the right choices and are not as considerate or caring or wise as the masked mature person. (The Adult Temper Tantrum: Emotional Abuse But Playing the “Mature Card” in Organizations OR Relationships)
Not everyone that tries to stop you or make you doubt is nasty. Some people are just fearful and speak that into you. They don’t want to tear you down. Their fear is just stopping them from moving forward and they are afraid of what might happen to you too.
Those are not the crabbies I’m talking about. Those are just fearful people who are probably frozen in many different areas of their life as well. They don’t know how to encourage or support you because they don’t know how to encourage and support themselves.
Most things are not about us but about the people talking to us - their projections of their inner insecurities and shame onto us. They are telling us what they feel about themselves but think they are telling you about you.
The crabbies and the fearful people are everywhere; Cults, churches, bosses, academia, employees, co-workers, friends, family members, spouses, & government organizations - even amongst the healing groups online! I have been surprised at how much I have been attacked on healing groups for putting out information that helped me and ultimately helped others.
There is not a lack of unhealed, fearful, or immature people anywhere.
It is quite a different thing when someone is actually wise, kind, respectful, and helpful to you.
You feel grateful, better for the greater understanding. Their ideas changed your perspective and made you receptive to their knowledge because it guided you in changing course to a greater truth or help or healing.
The energy feels different around truth. Even if the feedback caused more work and more time and more money spent for you. You’re ultimately grateful.
That’s a much different energy than being talked down to, criticized, judged, guilt-ed, scorned, shamed, blamed, and dismissed. That kind of energy is meant to break your free spirit.
Mental Prison Break Free Anyway!
Maturity is Courageous and Offers Freedom; Immaturity is Cowardly and Seeks Power and Control Over Others
Mentally healthy people - truly healthy people, cheer you on or ask good questions meant to lead to a greater understanding and connection, whether they are on board with your decisions or not.
They may offer feedback but it’s gracious and they have no intent of power or control over you. You are free to be you. They are free to be them.
Maturity offers freedom and does not need other people to think the same or behave the same.
Mentally unhealthy people scoff, mock, act in disgust or contempt of you and they are envious of anyone who learns to be okay with failure, shame, embarrassment and rejection from other people - because they are not free!!
It’s not about you. It’s about them.
The best way to know if someone is mentally healthy or pretending to be mentally healthy, is to watch how they treat others and treat you.
Those pretending will change and become nasty, unkind, or apathetic toward you if they are envious or deem you unimportant to helping them meet their needs, psychologically or physically, or if you challenge their ideas of what is true or possible.
Mentally healthy people are okay with you because they are okay with themselves. They are kind and respectful of other people.
Throughout the Bible, God is always calling us to mature in Christ (making our character like Christ) and to be strong and courageous.
Mature and courageous people have a different character and are more effective in love and in life.
Which doesn’t always equate to lots of money. Some of the worst kind of people have lots of money. Money is not a good indicator of character though people with lots of money may have great character too.
Fulfilled people who make a difference in the lives of others is a better indicator of effective.
Immature people feel important by making you small - meaning you think less of yourself and your opinions and you think more of them and theirs.
Mature people feel important by making you big - meaning you think more of yourself and your opinions than you think of them and theirs.
Mature people empower others; “Only you know what is in your heart to do and what you can do and need to do. You make good decisions for your life because you know you best. You know what you researched and what direction you need to go next better than anyone. If you fail, regroup and try again.”
Immature people dis-empower others; “Agree with me and believe what I think of you and your ideas for healing/business/career/family. You need to see me as the only right thinker here. Your ideas are silly and your solutions are silly. Only what I deem is right is right and only what I deem is important is important.”
A foundational relationship with God and belief that the right knowledge and wisdom does live inside each of us through the power of the Holy Spirit and intuition, will help us reject the idea that an outside person or group knows better than our own heart and mind about what we need to do for our healing, our path, our business, and our purpose.
God does not tell us to stay in fear and don’t move forward, but to listen for his direction and timing.
He tells us that we are not alone. He will strengthen and help us.
"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love." 1 Corinthians 16:13-14
"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14
"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. Isaiah 41:10
But we need to be active participates in our life. We can’t just wait forever for someone to show up and tell us what to do or for a sudden miracle healing.
Courage requires action called bravery!
Be brave and stop listening to the cowardly and afraid.
Why We Let Them Keep Us Caged
If we have inner healing work to do, we may believe the scoffers and mockers.
Unfortunately, many times those people are the people we love, who we believe know us and know that we cannot do what our heart and mind wants to do.
Instead of believing that they are living in a delusion, we believe we are. “They are right…who I am to think I can do ___ or be ___.”
Many people have to deal with mentally and emotionally breaking free from their parents, even as adults. Being mentally wrapped up in the family structure, maybe even extended family, of what is acceptable, how to think, what to believe. This is called enmeshment and it can kill your dreams.
“Whose dream must die so yours can live?” Alex Hormozi, Entrepreneur, stated on The Diary of the CEO podcast (link below).
People you love may not support you at all - not emotionally, mentally, physically, or financially.
Is mental freedom more important to you than approval from people?
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10.
Paul, who wrote most of the New Testament of the Bible, is the one speaking in Galatians 1:10. People were not pleased with him apparently.
People were so displeased with Jesus that they crucified him.
We are talking about a human problem that will never go away.
Man, I am glad Paul and Jesus did not choose to please people and instead chose to please God, pursuing the path they knew was correct. The cost was worth it.
Here is the Alex Hormozi interview, if you are interested: The Diary of a CEO: The Man that Make Millionaires: Turn $100 to $10k with this step.
He not only discusses strategy, he discusses having to disappoint people. How people don’t approve of him. And it still bothers him that others are bothered by him but he doesn’t let that stop him. He states that he will not dilute himself to please people.
I also have to dismiss the opinions and projections of people around me to chase my interests. Some of those unsolicited opinions are nasty and meant to tear me down and make me believe I cannot not pursue my passions. Why? Because those people never pursued their own passions.
Childhood wounds and traumas may need to be worked through to get to the next level.
Wounds do not have to be as deep or profound as one might think to do a lot of harm.
A simple off-handed comment that turned into a fear or belief can be strong enough to hold someone down in that crab bucket for years or a lifetime.
Issues of fear of abandonment, intimacy, or being seen or known because of wounds from childhood can lock someone’s voice in a cage.
Needing external validation because of shame and insecurity can keep someone in people-pleasing mode for a lifetime. “Others must be okay with me and what I feel, think, believe, and do. Others feelings, thoughts, and opinions are more important than mine and are more real than mine.”
At our very foundation, shame and insecurity is rotting our belief in our self because those core beliefs are saying to us “I am not good enough.”’ “I am not okay.” “I do not have enough value or worth.” “I am not smart enough.”
God says you have eternal and immense value and worth - you are worth the price of his son on a cross right now. The enemy is lying to you - through your thoughts, through the mouths of people you love, through strangers.
Seek the truth, heal, and be set free.
The Bible is one place to start. Coaching or counseling or mentoring can help too.
God is already on your side and has already made you with dreams and passions and purposes to fulfill. You may be holding you back and letting voices from the past and/or present hold you back too. You can make different choices to set you free.
You may have a long road to healing like in chronic illness or complex PTSD. Healing may be scary, unsure, uncertain, not complete - even if you give it your all - we are not guaranteed certain and complete health and healing emotionally, physically, or mentally.
But we can all be better than we are today in one capacity or another. We can all be on our way to healing.
If you or I don’t make it to fully healed, so what? At least we tried.
We were courageous and brave and grew in maturity, confidence, and freedom. We changed for the better. We healed something. We learned something. We did something.
Of course we want complete and total healing and health, but if that doesn’t happen, we still chose the right path.
The path was to grow and not stagnate. Not to live in bitterness or resentment or immaturity or become crabby people tearing down other’s dreams.
We will be people who lift others up and not tear them down. We will not tear ourselves down either or let others tear us down.
But we may just end up more healed than we ever thought possible.
Counseling, Coaching, Healing, and Mentoring Resources are listed with links at the end of this article.
Photo Credit: Pixabay dimitrisvetsikas1969
Breaking Free From Mental Prison: Questions to Get You Started
Now what about you?
Want to heal from chronic illness but afraid to try therapies, treatments, supplements, detox methods, alternative (meaning natural instead of chemical) healing?
Want to build a business? Change jobs? Change your life? Leave a toxic relationship or rebuild it?
What do you realistically have the choice or power to do?
Do you need spiritual or emotional support and healing before you can began?
How do you want to show up in this world? How do you want to affect others and affect change?
You can’t decide that any one else wants to build or rebuild a relationship. You can’t force anyone else to change. You can’t make anyone else be on board with a business you want to start. You can’t make any doctor understand your exact struggles and what you need. You may not be in a position right now where you can do exactly what’s on your heart.
So, what small step or large step can you realistically take that will steer you toward your passions and dreams and hopes?
Read books? Enroll in a course? Take an action step? Write your goals? Work with a coach or counselor? Do research? Talk with someone who knows more than you about your goal? Go the gym? Eat right? Read websites that teach you more than you know about your passion or goal or business?
Who may be able to help you with creative suggestions or ideas?
If money is an issue- how can you go about asking for help, any investors? Gofundme? Family or other people in your life willing to help? Start a side business or second job? Sell items on Ebay, Poshmark, Mercari, Etsy?
If healing or change was easy everyone would do it. Everyone does not for a reason. Healing, change, growth, and hustling is hard. Is staying where you are harder?
Maybe you have a larger goal but need to start small - something you can afford to do. Maybe it’s not perfectly lined up with where you want to be but it will get you on the course.
Perhaps there is an “outside the box” idea or step you have not thought of on your own but someone else might be able to.
This is also where research or perusing the internet might be helpful and finding someone further along than you on the same path.
Questions to ask yourself:
If I do this then,
What is the worst thing that can happen? Can I handle it?
What is the price of not trying? Not healing? Not starting that business on the side? Not leaving? Staying just as I am?
Am I willing to pay the price and take the risk?
The price:
judgment from others, disappointment, disapproval, dismissal, rejection, failure, embarrassment, letting others down, financial loss, abandonment
The price of NOT doing something to heal or change:
permanent disability, pain, loss of quality of life and enjoyment, loss of life, failed dreams, envy when I see others heal or go after their dreams, cowardice instead of bravery, never knowing if it would have worked out and changed my life, settling for less than my life could be, mediocrity, depression, apathy
Is the price worth it?
It really might not be. Especially if we’re talking about heath risks. You may decide, no, I cannot handle the consequences of that choice if things go badly.
This is why I wrote my healing journey HERE but do not encourage others to do what I do - because I don’t know what will heal or hurt them or if they are willing to pay the price of the pain or feeling awful to do some of the treatments. I don’t know the cost to other people.
If you are being your authentic self, there will be people who disapprove of you and how you choose to live and your choices.
There will be people with different opinions, views, perspectives, and personalities and some of those people will not get you, will not like you, will not respect you nor be kind to you.
You may lose people you love. You may lose financially. I don’t know if that cost is worth it to you.
Rooting for Yourself
Not many people are going to root for you.
They speak fear into you because they are afraid. They speak failure into you because they are afraid of failure. They shame you because they feel shame. It’s their issues to deal with not yours.
Just because someone is older or even more successful does not mean they have the right knowledge or wisdom for you. What worked for someone else, might not work for you. What failed for someone else, might work for you.
Thomas Edison failed at making a light bulb 10,000 times. But no ones cares about that. We only care about the one time he got it right. Look at how different Edison processed “failure” than the crabbies or the fearful:
“I have not failed 10,000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 10,000 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.” Thomas Edison
No one cheers until you get it right. But you can cheer you on. How Failure Taught Edison to Repeatedly Innovate.
Your bravery will inspire people that you may never meet and may even change their lives. Some of those people may be around you but may never tell you.
We do affect people every day all the time. No matter what we do or don’t do.
Some people will get you. That’s your inner circle. You will inspire and energize each other.
Be like Edison and find the Edisons.
The most successful people failed over and over and over again. The difference is they looked at failing as learning. Not as something to beat themselves up about.
So they failed. So what? Now they know what doesn’t work and will keep trying until they find something that does.
They say you are the sum of the 5 people closest to you. Don’t let the people you are closest to be the ones who bring you down, steal your joy, discourage your dreams, or are invested in seeing you fail because of their own lack of joy, envy, and unwillingness to be brave and courageous, grow, or heal.
My Best Words of Freedom?
“I am comfortable with my choices and decisions.” And walk away or change the subject. If they are STILL pushy, then, “I understand you feel strongly about your opinions, but I feel strongly about my opinions. Let’s change the conversation.”
No, it’s not rude to say let’s change the conversation after you they have already stated your peace.
You do not owe people conversations that they like. You don’t owe people YOU living a life they like. You don’t owe people liking YOUR beliefs, thoughts, opinions, feelings, and dreams.
Wanting not to appear rude keeps people in a mental prison. Being blunt about your boundaries, needs, or wants is not rude. Stating who you are and what you believe is not rude. Pushing beliefs on others is rude but holding different beliefs is not rude.
People have the right to be disappointed and upset about your boundaries, beliefs, and ideas - and they can also get over it. Adults Can Handle Disappointment.
You can handle disappointment too.
So they don’t like your idea. So they don’t think you can succeed at your business. So they think your opinions, beliefs, and choices are wrong or stupid. That’s okay.
You can say to yourself, “I wish they were on board or could see it my way but they can’t. That’s disappointing but I can handle disappointment. I will be on my own team until I can find others who root for me too. If they’re right and I fail, at least I tried. And I can try again. Or try something new.”
“I have the courage to try, to be brave and courageous and try things in a world where it’s easier to slink around and feel defeated or to discourage others and tear them down. Bravery is something to be proud of!!!”
Counseling, Coaching, Mentoring, and Healing Resources
Counseling and Coaching
My Counselor online - virtual Christian counseling
BetterHelp - virtual counseling
Hailey Magee - virtual coaching for those wanting to overcome the effects narcissism, people-pleasing, learn to set boundaries, and advocate for self
Dr. Les Carter - online courses to heal from narcissism and more information and resources.
Leslie Vernick - virtual coaching, resources, and online community for Christian women who are in or have been in narcissistic or toxic marriages or relationships (they do not judge for those staying or for those leaving - leaving a narcissist is often necessary for mental/emotional, physical, and spiritual health and healing).
Freedom Fighters - virtual prayer group - Holy Spirit led healing and deliverance for those who believe in Jesus. This is very powerful and effective for many people.
Self Help Book
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend: I recommend this book Boundaries for anyone who struggles with people pleasing or saying no when you want to or standing up for yourself.
Business Mentorship
The Skool Games: Alex Hormozi (build an online business mentoring): A fun way to build your own business with other people. Simple instructions, live workshops, community, support, realtime leaderboards, friendly competition, and prizes!
Smart Passive Income: Pat Flynn (build an online course mentoring): Learn how to build an audience and monetize your work with courses from SPI with topics on branding, email marketing, podcasting, online courses, and webinars, we help beginners transform into pros.
Skool of Hard Knocks: Join The #1 Community In The World For Entrepreneurs And Get Mentored Every Week By The Millionaires And Billionaires That We Interview
Skool of Mentors The #1 Community For Entrepreneurs In The World (Network with 7, 8 and even 9 figure entrepreneurs)
Healing
Pompa Program: Dr. Pompa’s program to detox the cell and get well. He had his own journey with mercury poisoning - a hard to detect toxin even with labs.
My 10 Year Long, Crazy Fluoroquinolone Antibiotic Poisoning Story: For me, “Floxed” is Also Mercury and Fluoride Poisoning: This is my story with many, many healing therapies, treatments, supplements, books, detoxes and ideas all linked to resources - which may helpful for any disorder/syndrome/disease. I also had structural issues and have helpful therapies listed and linked. Cheap ideas and more expensive ideas are listed. I wrote this story for those that may need to step out on their own find new ideas when their functional or holistic or conventional treatments weren’t helpful any longer. I am not a doctor - this is for informational purposes only.
The Wahls Protocol: Dr. Terry Wahls, protocol for chronic and autoimmune issues.
Yet we do speak wisdom among those spiritually mature [believers who have teachable hearts and a greater understanding]; but [it is a higher] wisdom not [the wisdom] of this present age nor of the rulers and leaders of this age, who are passing away; 1 Corinthians 2:6 Amplified
Brothers, do not be children in your thinking. Be infants in evil, but in your thinking be mature. 1 Corinthians 14:20